Unintentional family bed

When you get pregnant, you are inundated with information on how to be the best parent you can be and the things you should and shouldn’t do.  When you get pregnant and work in early childhood, the information comes at you much faster and from all over.  With both pregnancies I scanned through scholarly articles, research papers, journals, etc filled with information on the best baby equipment, most effective sleep method, best discipline methods and benefits of breast vs bottle to list a few. Parenting ideas/methods are often up for debate and there are many topics that can stir up a hot debate in no time.  The family bed is definitely one of them.

Cultures all over the world do family beds (when children sleep in the same bed as their parents) and these children and families develop just fine.  Here in the US, we are warned against the family bed because of SIDS.  I am not an advocate for either method, to each his own, however, I do believe parents have to do whatever they need to do to ensure they get something that is usually out of reach…a good night’s sleep. 

If there is one thing I take pride in, it is the fact that both of my children were into a sleep routine early on.  Granted, Lola just recently started sleeping through the night (she will be 2 in September) but once bed time came, they would both get in bed and go right to sleep. No hours of screaming or crying; just golden silence.  When Mike was 2 we took him from his crib and put him in a toddler bed.  Big mistake.  Huge.  My once perfect sleeper turned into a terror.  I literally had to lay on the floor next to his bed and put him to sleep.  I usually had to lay there for well over an hour, because just when I thought he was asleep, I would get up and prepare departure from his room, as silent as a Navy Seal, and then the floor would creak, he would jump up and we had to start all over again.  I forgot to mention I was 8 months pregnant at the time.  This went on for a couple of months until finally, my husband and I put our foot down and decided to let him cry it out, at two and a half.  After about a week, it was all over and he was once again the perfect sleeper.  But here is where the family bed comes in to play.  Every night (or at least 4 out of 7), Mikey will sneak out of his room and crawl into bed with us.  I do not complain and I don’t bring him back to his bed.  Instead I scoop him up, place him in-between Mike and I and enjoy the remaining hours of sleep. 

When I tell people this, they always have an opinion.  You shouldn’t do that, you are created bad habits, blah , blah, blah.  I couldn’t care less about those opinions because strangely enough, Mike and I both enjoy having Mikey in our bed.  Now we don’t enjoy his feet kicking us in the face, his furnace like body or his horrible sleeping habits he inherited from me, but, we do enjoy being able to snuggle up to our little boy who we feel we don’t get to see enough.  Confession time—I slept with my mother well into my teen years.  Not every night but enough nights. My father worked a lot so when he wouldn’t come home, I would rejoice in the fact that I could spend the night cuddling next to my mommy.  As a teenager, my parents decided to sleep in separate rooms (because of sleep habits) so I totally took advantage and started sleeping with my mom again, even though I had a perfectly nice big bed all to myself.  Is there anything better than sleeping with someone that you feel secure with?  Who else could make you feel as safe and secure as your mommy and daddy?  This is why we do not move Mikey back to his bed.  There is a reason he comes into our room.  Maybe he needs that secure feeling?  Maybe he needs to know that his mommy and daddy who work too much are there for him in that moment?  Maybe he just wants to be a jerk and not let us have a bed to ourselves?  Who knows the reason why he comes into our bed.  The point is he does and we take him in with open arms.  Now I clearly know that this could be setting us up for disaster because Lola could soon expect to come into bed with us too, but for now we will enjoy the three of us snuggled up and enjoying the sleep.  Hopefully Lola will be too much of a princess to think she should share a bed with her big brother!  And if not, I guess we will have to get a bigger bed or figure out some new sleeping arrangements. 

People and other horrible things

For some reason I am constantly amazed at how some people lack the basic principles to properly function in society.  It’s almost as if there are a bunch of Nell’s running around who have never left the forest.  It’s really not that difficult, and yet countless amounts of people just roam around, as if they are the exception to the rule. 

It’s as if, for different reasons, people just think that the rules do not apply to them.  So to help out, I have come up with a short list that can hopefully be shared and people can learn to be better citizens. 

1.       Always say please, thank you and you’re welcome.  Simple right? 

2.      Always stay to the right when walking; it is the hand that doesn’t make the L with your thumb and index.

3.      When walking in a group of 3 or more, do not walk in a line side by side.  You are not important enough to take up an entire sidewalk.

4.      When driving, if you are going slower than the rest of traffic (regardless of how fast you are going), get out of the way.

5.      If you do not work, refrain from driving, shopping or making appointments during peak working hours. This includes morning and evening rush hour and lunch breaks.

6.      If you take public transportation, be nice to the drivers.  Trust me, they hate their jobs more than you hate yours.  It is not their fault if there is traffic, construction, or if something breaks down.  I constantly have to hear people bitch about this as if the driver has some diabolical plan to mess up your day.  You are not that important to them.

7.      Do not spit in public.  It is absolutely disgusting.

8.      When driving, if you are going to a red light, and there is a car that wants to turn onto the street, let them go.  Are you really that anxious to be waiting at the light that you can’t stop and let someone through?

I’m sure there are tons of other rules that can be added to this list but I think these eight get the point across. 

Too big for sweat pants

 The other day I was chatting with a coworker (who is incredibly thin…this is important to the story line), and I mentioned how I never leave the house in sweat pants.  She went on to say that she always wears sweat pants or yoga pants and only reserves jeans for when she is going somewhere where sweat pants wouldn’t be appropriate. I then said I never leave the house without make up on—I wear it to the gym, the pool, the beach, the super market, to pump gas, you name the place and at least eyeliner, mascara and lip gloss are on my face—and she again proceeded with how she never puts it on.  She asked the scary question, why the hell do you do that?  So I found myself finally putting into words what I had felt all these years, and naturally she looked at me like I was insane. The answer you ask?  I never want to be the fat, sloppy mom.

When I told her this she said, and I quote, “you are freaking crazy.  I don’t care”.  And my answer to her this time was, “of course you don’t, you’re thin”.  Now before my 10 faithful readers start saying things like, “thin people can be sloppy too”, or “no one will think that”, “you’re not fat”, let me say this: thin people have to be extremely sloppy to look sloppy and yes, people will think that, because I have and yes, I am fat. I am changing that, but currently, I am overweight. 

This thinking all stems from a drive with my husband when I was pregnant with my first child.  I saw a mom jump out of a minivan (by the way, I really want a minivan) to collect her groceries.  She had the typical short mom cut, was wearing baggy sweat pants and a baggy t-shirt and was overweight.  I looked over at my husband and said, “I hope I never turn into that”.  He thought it was mean of me to say, and it was, but it was how I felt.  For all I know, she could have been coming home from the gym and stopped by to pick up some things for dinner.  But in my mind, that’s how she dressed anytime she wasn’t at work or at a social event.  I didn’t want that then and I definitely don’t want that now that I am a mom. 

Because I am bigger, I have to be more careful.  Skinny women can get away with putting less effort into their look because they are thin. Take my coworker for instance.  She is a size 0/2.  If she throws on a pair of yoga pants and a t shirt, then she looks cute and possibly even fit.  People might think she actually is going to a yoga class.  If I put them on, in my mind people are saying, “Yeah, like that chick can do the downward facing dog”.  Now whether they actually think that or not is irrelevant because I will always think they are thinking that.  And the bigger you are, the more careful you have to be.  I, luckily, have a pretty face, or so I have been told by many people since I was 14, “oh Irya? Yeah the big girl with the real pretty face”, so at least I have that going for me but no matter how much weight I lose, I will always be big in my mind and therefore, always have to make the effort.  Hell, the minute I got wheeled out of the operating room after both c-sections, I immediately put my contacts in and applied makeup!  I also never wanted to look bad in my post delivery pictures because, well, most women don’t look good in them. 

I never want anyone to say or think that I am a sloppy mom!  They can think I’m fat, but at least put together! 

Life lessons for Lola

I have read a lot of posts about the top things to tell/teach your children.  Well I feel that I have a lot of wisdom to pass onto my daughter and just in case I forget some things, I figured I would write it down so she can look back on it.  I am a firm believer that you must live through your own experiences but these will be my “I told you so” moments with her. 

1.      Never, ever bully anyone.  It’s not nice and let’s face it, that nerd that gets made fun of today might very well own the company you want to work for tomorrow. 

2.      Always be a lady. It might seem cool to be one of the guys but trust me, it isn’t.  You should own several purses, be able to rock skirts and dresses, properly walk in heels and know how to accessorize.  Some of these things I learned later in life and I regret that.

3.      At the same time though, learn about sports.  Nothing is hotter than a pretty, feminine girl who can debate about the Eagles’ most recent trades. 

4.      Get over your fear of getting waxed and keep up with it.  You are my daughter and therefore, biweekly trips to the salon are inevitable. 

5.      I hope you get your heart broken at least once.  It will help you realize that all things don’t work out the way you plan.

6.      I hope you break at least one heart.  It will help you realize you are not perfect.

7.      Date a bad boy at least once.  This will be an incredibly fun time for you, it will momentarily break your father’s heart, making him realize you are not perfect and it will help you recognize and love the good guy once he comes along.

8.      Someday, someone will call you a bitch, whore and/or slut.  It is up to you whether or not that person is right.  Please, prove them wrong. 

9.      Set realistic goals for what you want to do.  If you can’t carry a tune, don’t try to be a pop singer.  If you barely pass your science classes, chances are you won’t be a doctor.  Find what you are good at and like and do that. 

10.  Learn to apply makeup well.  You are of course going to be a natural beauty, so learn to apply just enough to enhance that beauty and not damage or conceal it. 

11.  If you go to college, and I hope you do, live on campus at least one year and study abroad at least one semester.  It will give you a new perspective on life.

12.  Always remember that everyone has a smart phone.  If you think it will be funny to flash your lady parts to a group of guys, it isn’t and it will be recorded and end up on the internet, where your father will undoubtedly find it.

13.  Never do anything that will make you lose respect for yourself.  Simple enough. 

Has he been tested for Asperger’s?

That is just one of the questions or comments I have had to deal with when it comes to my son.  In all but one occasion, I have kept my composure and responded to the person in the most respectful way.  The only time I wasn’t able to keep my composure was when I was caught off guard and embarrassed in front of people I didn’t even know.  At this point I used my ever faithful defense mechanism…I swept up my son and ran to the bathroom to cry like a little girl.  It was not one of my finer moments. 

It would be one thing if I were having a conversation about my son and the person showed genuine concern.  It’s a whole different situation if after mass you come to me and tell me how your grandson is autistic and you are fairly certain Mikey is too.  I can guarantee you he isn’t.  The one thing most people don’t know is that once you have a child, or hell, if you have ever been in the presence of a child, you are suddenly a child development expert.  Piaget himself comes down from heaven and hands you the ever knowing wand so you now know all there is to know about children, their development and their behavior.  You know more than the professionals who have passionately made this their career.  Don’t tell me you didn’t know this?  Bull shit I know.  But this is what I have had to endure since my son was about 9 months old. 

My son is what one might call high energy and he has a social-emotional delay.  He is on from the minute he wakes up until he is done procrastinating to go to bed.  If there is an open area greater than 5 feet, he will take off.  He gets easily frustrated and even though he is three and a half, he does not how to play with other children or how to handle himself in social situations.  This is what people see.  They brace their children when they see him coming because he will probably bulldoze right over them or hurt them in some way, sometimes intentionally but for the most part, he doesn’t know he is doing it.  We have missed many events like birthday parties and outings because of his mood that day or if I couldn’t get anyone else to come with me.  See, I have an 18 month old daughter and Mikey needs full attention, so going anywhere has to be done with two people. I have to watch him like a hawk and even though his aggression has reduced significantly, I still get nervous when we are around other children and I hear someone cry because they were hit.  My automatic reaction is to see if Mikey is near that child and if he is the reason they are crying.  I’m hopeful that this anxiety will go away some day but for now we proceed with caution.  He throws tantrums like a champ, but they aren’t from being spoiled like some have tried to tell me, there is a difference.  They are because he can’t handle transitions well.  Changing activities is extremely difficult for him (however we have mastered the alarm system which helps tremendously!) and hard for others to understand. 

“Just spank him and you will see how he learns”.    Yeah, that will work with a child who perceives reprimand and rejection as him being bad.  My son needs to learn how to regulate his emotions, and me losing my cool is not exactly leading by example.  “He’s just being a kid” or “you’re overreacting” are the two I have heard the most.  I can say with certainty that he in fact is a kid and like all kids he is different.  And we are not overreacting.  We are appropriately reacting.  We understand that at this point in time, we do not have a typically developing child and we need to do everything we can to help Mikey with his struggle and stress, especially if that means bringing in professional help.  I am not embarrassed by it and don’t think I should hide it from others like someone suggested I do.  I’ll admit I sometimes get a little jealous when I see children his age acting differently, but then I soon remember how special my son is.  I have grown tired of hearing other children and parents refer to my son as a “bad boy” and I don’t want to see him come to me sad because someone just said he was bad.  He’s not bad, he just simply doesn’t know that he’s not supposed knock down your tower.  He doesn’t know that you don’t want to be hugged.  My son is not bad, he is not autistic, he does not need a spanking and he is not a handful.  But here are a few things my son is: he is ridiculously cute and funny.  He is incredibly empathetic—if he sees that someone is upset he immediately comes to wash away their tears and tell them that he loves them.  He is a fantastic older brother who offers to get a baba for his baby sister and watch Barney with her when she is upset.  He is skilled with a lightsaber.  He’s a flipping genius and he is my absolute wonderful, caring, active, charming little boy.