Life lessons for Lola

I have read a lot of posts about the top things to tell/teach your children.  Well I feel that I have a lot of wisdom to pass onto my daughter and just in case I forget some things, I figured I would write it down so she can look back on it.  I am a firm believer that you must live through your own experiences but these will be my “I told you so” moments with her. 

1.      Never, ever bully anyone.  It’s not nice and let’s face it, that nerd that gets made fun of today might very well own the company you want to work for tomorrow. 

2.      Always be a lady. It might seem cool to be one of the guys but trust me, it isn’t.  You should own several purses, be able to rock skirts and dresses, properly walk in heels and know how to accessorize.  Some of these things I learned later in life and I regret that.

3.      At the same time though, learn about sports.  Nothing is hotter than a pretty, feminine girl who can debate about the Eagles’ most recent trades. 

4.      Get over your fear of getting waxed and keep up with it.  You are my daughter and therefore, biweekly trips to the salon are inevitable. 

5.      I hope you get your heart broken at least once.  It will help you realize that all things don’t work out the way you plan.

6.      I hope you break at least one heart.  It will help you realize you are not perfect.

7.      Date a bad boy at least once.  This will be an incredibly fun time for you, it will momentarily break your father’s heart, making him realize you are not perfect and it will help you recognize and love the good guy once he comes along.

8.      Someday, someone will call you a bitch, whore and/or slut.  It is up to you whether or not that person is right.  Please, prove them wrong. 

9.      Set realistic goals for what you want to do.  If you can’t carry a tune, don’t try to be a pop singer.  If you barely pass your science classes, chances are you won’t be a doctor.  Find what you are good at and like and do that. 

10.  Learn to apply makeup well.  You are of course going to be a natural beauty, so learn to apply just enough to enhance that beauty and not damage or conceal it. 

11.  If you go to college, and I hope you do, live on campus at least one year and study abroad at least one semester.  It will give you a new perspective on life.

12.  Always remember that everyone has a smart phone.  If you think it will be funny to flash your lady parts to a group of guys, it isn’t and it will be recorded and end up on the internet, where your father will undoubtedly find it.

13.  Never do anything that will make you lose respect for yourself.  Simple enough. 

Has he been tested for Asperger’s?

That is just one of the questions or comments I have had to deal with when it comes to my son.  In all but one occasion, I have kept my composure and responded to the person in the most respectful way.  The only time I wasn’t able to keep my composure was when I was caught off guard and embarrassed in front of people I didn’t even know.  At this point I used my ever faithful defense mechanism…I swept up my son and ran to the bathroom to cry like a little girl.  It was not one of my finer moments. 

It would be one thing if I were having a conversation about my son and the person showed genuine concern.  It’s a whole different situation if after mass you come to me and tell me how your grandson is autistic and you are fairly certain Mikey is too.  I can guarantee you he isn’t.  The one thing most people don’t know is that once you have a child, or hell, if you have ever been in the presence of a child, you are suddenly a child development expert.  Piaget himself comes down from heaven and hands you the ever knowing wand so you now know all there is to know about children, their development and their behavior.  You know more than the professionals who have passionately made this their career.  Don’t tell me you didn’t know this?  Bull shit I know.  But this is what I have had to endure since my son was about 9 months old. 

My son is what one might call high energy and he has a social-emotional delay.  He is on from the minute he wakes up until he is done procrastinating to go to bed.  If there is an open area greater than 5 feet, he will take off.  He gets easily frustrated and even though he is three and a half, he does not how to play with other children or how to handle himself in social situations.  This is what people see.  They brace their children when they see him coming because he will probably bulldoze right over them or hurt them in some way, sometimes intentionally but for the most part, he doesn’t know he is doing it.  We have missed many events like birthday parties and outings because of his mood that day or if I couldn’t get anyone else to come with me.  See, I have an 18 month old daughter and Mikey needs full attention, so going anywhere has to be done with two people. I have to watch him like a hawk and even though his aggression has reduced significantly, I still get nervous when we are around other children and I hear someone cry because they were hit.  My automatic reaction is to see if Mikey is near that child and if he is the reason they are crying.  I’m hopeful that this anxiety will go away some day but for now we proceed with caution.  He throws tantrums like a champ, but they aren’t from being spoiled like some have tried to tell me, there is a difference.  They are because he can’t handle transitions well.  Changing activities is extremely difficult for him (however we have mastered the alarm system which helps tremendously!) and hard for others to understand. 

“Just spank him and you will see how he learns”.    Yeah, that will work with a child who perceives reprimand and rejection as him being bad.  My son needs to learn how to regulate his emotions, and me losing my cool is not exactly leading by example.  “He’s just being a kid” or “you’re overreacting” are the two I have heard the most.  I can say with certainty that he in fact is a kid and like all kids he is different.  And we are not overreacting.  We are appropriately reacting.  We understand that at this point in time, we do not have a typically developing child and we need to do everything we can to help Mikey with his struggle and stress, especially if that means bringing in professional help.  I am not embarrassed by it and don’t think I should hide it from others like someone suggested I do.  I’ll admit I sometimes get a little jealous when I see children his age acting differently, but then I soon remember how special my son is.  I have grown tired of hearing other children and parents refer to my son as a “bad boy” and I don’t want to see him come to me sad because someone just said he was bad.  He’s not bad, he just simply doesn’t know that he’s not supposed knock down your tower.  He doesn’t know that you don’t want to be hugged.  My son is not bad, he is not autistic, he does not need a spanking and he is not a handful.  But here are a few things my son is: he is ridiculously cute and funny.  He is incredibly empathetic—if he sees that someone is upset he immediately comes to wash away their tears and tell them that he loves them.  He is a fantastic older brother who offers to get a baba for his baby sister and watch Barney with her when she is upset.  He is skilled with a lightsaber.  He’s a flipping genius and he is my absolute wonderful, caring, active, charming little boy.